WHERE YOU BEEN AT?
- Taneesha Parker
- Nov 2, 2020
- 5 min read
Not on tour, but gettin' money (kind of; only from my day job, though). I had to come back with an immediate Papi reference, okay? But, to answer the question: October was a weird month. I didn't want to be on social media half of the time; the other half, I had too much going on to even think about it. I was dealing with a lot, to be honest, but I told myself I wanted to share more about who I am and what's poppin' (or not) in my life, so read on to learn what had ya girl tied up last month.
I have always known that I get anxious in certain situations, like going to a new place or meeting new people. But, I didn't recognize that some of my other quirks could be related to anxiety.
For example, when I get overwhelmed, I tend to procrastinate. I heard that this could be a 'thing' with anxiety, but I always get my stuff done eventually, so I never paid it too much mind. However, at the start of October, I had a run-in with anxiety that lingered for the rest of the month. I was running through my To-Do list for work, my personal life, and a purpose project I'm working on. When I was thinking about it all one night, I got super overwhelmed, burst into tears, and couldn't even process how to move forward with the simplest things. I decided last minute to take off work the following day, just to pull myself together mentally.
I pushed through to the weekend and had big plans to tackle my lists that Saturday. I started the morning solid and then faced what some would see as a simple formatting decision for my purpose project. However, every time I considered my options, I kept spiraling into all of the what if's and I couldn't decide on a choice for the life of me. So I didn't. I laid on my floor and turned on The Office to help ease my stress and anxious thoughts. Shoutout to Dwight for holding it down. As the moments ticked by, I felt the weight of not accomplish anything on my list. Anxiety overtook me, and eventually, some splashes of depression seeped in; that cocktail paralyzed me all day. This isn't the first time this has happened, but it's been so long that I couldn't even remember what I had done in the past to pull myself out of it. Finally, toward the end of the day, I forced myself to mark an utterly unrelated errand off my To-Do list. This helped me feel better and started bringing me out of my funk. I felt so defeated, but I told myself that the next day would be better and spent the evening practicing grace for myself.
The next day, I got a call to check on my dad because he was not acting like himself. I hadn't seen my dad at all in 2020 because I've been trying to practice distancing or whatever, but I talk to him on the phone regularly.
I had no idea what I was walking into, so I immediately started praying and talking to God because it was the only thing I knew to do.
Nothing could prepare me for what I saw when I finally laid eyes on my dad. I spent the entire ride home crying and praying to God, not knowing if my dad would make it through this situation or not. Long story short, I spent the week on the phone with my stepmother and my dad, feeling helpless and out of control because I wasn't there, and there was only so much I could do. Finally, toward the end of the week, I had to take him to the emergency room. By the grace of God, he was able to get the care he needed and began to bounce back. It's only been three weeks since he left the hospital, but my dad has fully recovered, and I haven't heard him sound this healthy in a long time. I know that God worked a miracle for us, and I give Him all the glory.
Throughout this anxiety-filled month and dealing with my dad's health complications, I've had to navigate Corporate America. Work this year has been insane, and not because of Rona. I have been working toward a promotion and started a new leadership role in February. My team was tasked with upgrading a highly critical, highly visible system (literally, it touches every employee at my company). We had a tight timeline from the start and no wiggle room with our end date. With many employees needing to work from home to accommodate 2020's shenanigans, we had a lot of competing priorities and shifts in focus. I was the definition of stressed all year, but drastically so from June into the fall. October was the last month with critical dates on our timeline. I felt a lot of pressure to hit those targets so that I could (continue to) prove I was the right person for the role and deserving of a promotion. Work took a lot out of me this year, especially the last few months, but I'm happy to say that we hit our dates and are putting a bow on that project.
Okay, so we've got anxiety, my dad's health, and work stress, but that's not all October had in store for ya girl. Spoiler alert: I am working on a project that God assigned to me a long time ago, and it's something I've never done before. This whole thing has been forever in the making (don't worry, I'll tell the entire story before the year is up). But, I'm rapidly approaching the finish line - praise God forreal! October was a make or break month, so this project took priority whenever I had free time. Every step of this process has forced me to navigate unknown areas, which means anxiety triggers galore for me. I felt stuck for most of the month, but I kept reminding myself that God has gone before me and worked out all the details. Finally, during the last week or so, I've had a breakthrough and made more progress than I had all month. I have no idea how all of this will turn out, but I'm walking in faith and taking it one day at a time. Any more than that, and I'd be donezo forreal.
So yeah, October was a lot for me. But, I'm grateful that I had God to lean on because I have no idea how I would've made it through any one of these situations, let alone all of them, without His guidance.
It's simple for social media and the Internet to make us think that we're alone in whatever we're going through. Nobody's life is perfect, and we all have struggles and challenges to deal with here on Earth. October was crazy for me, but I'm so excited about what November has in store. I can't promise that I'll never go MIA on you again, but I can promise to always be real when I post. Here's to being back on the gram and in the blog. Thanks for taking a little time to Meet Teesh.
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